Abandoned Stories of Super Science

"Get away from that liederkranz, you scrofulous bum!" roared Dr Heinrich Pfeffernusse.

Things had been going downhill at the Institute for Advanced Particle Physics lately; they had inaugurated the institution with an inquiry into z₀ pseudoquark behavior, but after only three weeks the majority of researchers were mainly involved in investigating who was responsible for cleaning out the microwave, who had stolen whose parking space, and why all the coffee cups were always dirty.  Now Dr Heinrich Pfeffernusse, head of research and winner of three Nobel prizes (Physics 1999, Chemistry 2000, Gardening 2003) had been reduced to lurking in the canteen to see who was swiping his lunch.

"This is not your liederkranz!" screamed Dr Wolfgang Shmutzenheimer (Physics 2000, Chemistry 2001, Copyright Violation 2001, Revoked Chemistry 2001). "This is my peanuts butter and marshmallow sammich and you will kindly get your stinken nose out of my face!"

Dr Pfeffernusse looked closer and determined that in fact it was a peanuts butter and marshmallow sammich and became slightly nauseated. "Disgusting so!"

"You repulse me, you moral dwarf of a man!" howled Dr Shmutzenheimer.  He jumped up and down, scattering peanuts around the room. "You accuse me of villainy without evidence and steal my parking space this morning! You reduce me to incontinence! Begone from my sight and never darken my mind again!"

And Dr Shmutzenheimer stormed from the room, stole Dr Pfeffernusse's Maserati from the parking lot and drove to Sioux City to start a new life as a vacuum salesman (he was not very successful at this -- being a physicist he had different ideas about vacuums -- and retired early at the age of 87).

This disturbed Pfeffernusse, but not until that afternoon.

"Unglaublich!" he said, eventually, and crawled under the sink to wait for the next thief to enter the room -- or tried to crawl under the sink; he found the space was occupied.  "Dr Totenpferdenschlagen!"

"Yes, it is I," said Dr Totenpferdenschlagen. "Do you know, the lab technicians are doing unauthorized experiments in dynamic probability? I wouldn't mind but they're using my deck, and I do so love to play solitaire." He began gnawing at a liederkranz with unseemly ecstasy.

"Dr Totenpferdenschlagen, my old mentor! -- Is that a liederkranz?"

"Yes it is -- and yes it is I, Dr Franz Totenpferdenschlagen, who know your secret, Dr Heinrich Pfeffernusse -- that you are really Bachelor of Arts Joe Perkins from Duluth!"