It all began when I was relieved of my post at the Good Time Tea Company shortly after introducing our newest line of flavors, which included Egg, Bacon and Chives, French Onion and Coffee.
"But Mr. Scrobe," I said, as I was being hustled down the hallway with the remains of my desk in a cardboard box, "is not our corporate position that Good Time Tea gives the consumer the most for his or her money?"
Mr. Scrobe simply glared in response, and I found myself in the parking lot with no future, until I looked to the past.
My father, you see, never had any trouble making money. In fact he turned out some of the finest dollars anyone ever saw, and in the privacy of his own home.
So I returned to the family business, and the rest is jail time. Except of course that it turned out that people actually preferred my bills to the real thing, and paid a premium for them, and so I ended up with a contract with the Mint instead.
31 March 2012
30 March 2012
Useless Fragment #41
Thanksgiving Day 1932: Mother and Father are in the living room, sculpting a life-size replica of President Roosevelt out of papier-mache and mashed potatoes, while I and my brother listen to the adventures of Captain Three A.M. on the Wurzelblad tube radio. (I sometimes wondered why the people behind Captain Midnight didn't object to Captain Three A.M.; I later discovered that the show was actually broadcast from the apartment below us and couldn't be heard outside our own building. This of course was after we sent in thirty Kellogg's Plop Corn-Oatmeal box tops and three dollars for our secret decoder rings, which never came.)
29 March 2012
Useless Fragment #40
Melvin was dead, to begin with.
That was nothing unusual. Death ran in Melvin’s family. Indeed, the Great Hereafter was so thoroughly stocked with Melvin's relatives that Melvin himself was even now investigating unreal estate opportunities in the Great Thereafter.
That was nothing unusual. Death ran in Melvin’s family. Indeed, the Great Hereafter was so thoroughly stocked with Melvin's relatives that Melvin himself was even now investigating unreal estate opportunities in the Great Thereafter.
28 March 2012
Useless Fragment #39
Black Sam Staccato came boiling out of the night, guns blazing. "You'll never take me alive, copper!"
I ducked out of the rain of bullets and coshed him over the head with my umbrella. It was a Bennington lead-cored titanium-jacketed umbrella, so he stayed coshed. I removed his guns, applied handcuffs where appropriate and took a picture of the scene with my Instamatic for evidence -- which was pointless, since a man in a black raincoat face-down on a black asphalt street and photographed in the black of night could easily be mistaken for the negative of "Cow Eating Grass".
27 March 2012
Useless Fragment #38 (Albedo 0.99)
By the time rumors began to circulate that the meta-artist Equis would wrap the planet Mars in hyper-reflective Mylar it was too late to stop him.
There were inquiries and recriminations, and protests were lodged, but nothing came of it. The vehicle was well underway and could not be stopped; the equations were prohibitive.
And of course there were so many problems on Earth; indeed, so numerous were they that Equis was quickly forgotten, along with his plan.
Until one night, in the bruised blankness men called the sky, a star appeared.
"A star I have made! Equis has not seen one in forever. And how can a man look up when there is nothing to see in this grim ceiling of black and red that we have made for ourselves?"
"Bah! they say to Equis. It will come to nothing!
"But Equis has seen them in the streets as the daylight fails -- the children waiting for the first sight of the piercing through of the sky..."
There were inquiries and recriminations, and protests were lodged, but nothing came of it. The vehicle was well underway and could not be stopped; the equations were prohibitive.
And of course there were so many problems on Earth; indeed, so numerous were they that Equis was quickly forgotten, along with his plan.
Until one night, in the bruised blankness men called the sky, a star appeared.
"A star I have made! Equis has not seen one in forever. And how can a man look up when there is nothing to see in this grim ceiling of black and red that we have made for ourselves?"
"Bah! they say to Equis. It will come to nothing!
"But Equis has seen them in the streets as the daylight fails -- the children waiting for the first sight of the piercing through of the sky..."
26 March 2012
Useless Fragment #37
"Are you dead?" I said to Fuzzy "The Stoat" Miasma.
"No," said the Stoat.
"Only I am running out of bullets," I said, reloading my .45 in preparation to put a few more slugs through his cranium.
"Sorry, Carl," he said, on account of that is my name -- Carl Marchek, current but soon to be former hit man.
I put a few more slugs through his cranium. "How about now?" I said.
He looked as thoughtful as he could, given how little of the cranium in question was left. "No," he said. "Sorry."
"Not your fault," I told him.
"It's these modern bullets," he said. "No craftsmanship."
He was being kind. I knew I was losing my touch.
"No," said the Stoat.
"Only I am running out of bullets," I said, reloading my .45 in preparation to put a few more slugs through his cranium.
"Sorry, Carl," he said, on account of that is my name -- Carl Marchek, current but soon to be former hit man.
I put a few more slugs through his cranium. "How about now?" I said.
He looked as thoughtful as he could, given how little of the cranium in question was left. "No," he said. "Sorry."
"Not your fault," I told him.
"It's these modern bullets," he said. "No craftsmanship."
He was being kind. I knew I was losing my touch.
Moved: Useless Fragments #18 and #22
Eternity can be a long time, unless you happen to be a photon, in which case it goes by in no time at all.
Or so they said, but I would beg to differ, on account of being a collection of photons myself. No sooner had I taken my chair on the "Science Fiction and Transcendence" panel at the World Science Fiction Convention than I suffered a terrible case of demonstration gone awry by unexpectedly transforming into a purely mental entity that rushed outward into the universe at the speed of light -- to the great surprise of my fellow panelists, who hadn't been expecting much, especially since I was merely a last minute fill-in for Rudy Rucker.
I exploded into space. The planet Earth turned into a speck in the distance, and then nothing at all, as my consciousness expanded in a sphere that encompassed and penetrated everything within it. Things became a bit dull after I had merged with everything within the Oort cloud; four years later I spent an entertaining two days passing through the Centauris, but that novelty didn't last long; I started to appreciate just how little there actually is in the Universe. And then, suddenly and unexpectedly
•
Well, the rest you know. At the suggestion of little Noel (only three, then, but precocious) we set course for California, where we put those giant redwoods to good use building the floating city of Nuevo San Francisco, now home to a half-million. I've already told the story of the Great Los Angeles Public Library Reclamation Dive, and what we did at Hoover Dam, and I know you're tired of hearing about the Bay Bridge Steel Mine, so I'll just close up by reminding you that you must never misuse a magnifying glass.
Or so they said, but I would beg to differ, on account of being a collection of photons myself. No sooner had I taken my chair on the "Science Fiction and Transcendence" panel at the World Science Fiction Convention than I suffered a terrible case of demonstration gone awry by unexpectedly transforming into a purely mental entity that rushed outward into the universe at the speed of light -- to the great surprise of my fellow panelists, who hadn't been expecting much, especially since I was merely a last minute fill-in for Rudy Rucker.
I exploded into space. The planet Earth turned into a speck in the distance, and then nothing at all, as my consciousness expanded in a sphere that encompassed and penetrated everything within it. Things became a bit dull after I had merged with everything within the Oort cloud; four years later I spent an entertaining two days passing through the Centauris, but that novelty didn't last long; I started to appreciate just how little there actually is in the Universe. And then, suddenly and unexpectedly
Well, the rest you know. At the suggestion of little Noel (only three, then, but precocious) we set course for California, where we put those giant redwoods to good use building the floating city of Nuevo San Francisco, now home to a half-million. I've already told the story of the Great Los Angeles Public Library Reclamation Dive, and what we did at Hoover Dam, and I know you're tired of hearing about the Bay Bridge Steel Mine, so I'll just close up by reminding you that you must never misuse a magnifying glass.
25 March 2012
Useless Fragment #36
Next on the program is a new work of discovered sound by Landesberg Kausman titled SUKHOI 27.
To create the piece, Kausman wired more than three thousand contact microphones to a Sukhoi 27 jet fighter, sampled every noise it made during a thirty minute flight from takeoff to touchdown, and then spent six months in his studio weaving the aircraft's audio profile into a two hour soundscape. Every sound you will hear was derived from the aircraft.
Writes Kausman: "At an air-show in Nice I saw many aircraft performing spectacles, and in the end found myself thinking of Arthur Clarke's definition of the most impressive sound ever made by man: that of air falling mile after mile into a hole drilled through the sky.
"And it is undeniably impressive, that sound: stunning, as hammer-blows often are. And yet, this vehicle -- with its thousands of parts operating within bogglingly small tolerances to keep the ship from falling to earth, operating in harmony -- is it not in some way more of a true orchestra than a mere instrument of violence?
"My question becomes: Is a machine's best use that for which it is designed?
"Here is my answer."
24 March 2012
Useless Fragment #35
Once upon a time, in a largely ignored area of Europe, there was a small kingdom. Its king was named simply King, because the kingdom really was terribly small.
One morning, upon waking up in Liechtenstein because he had rolled over in bed during the night, the King wished idly that his kingdom were a little bigger.
Little did the king know that a good fairy, fresh from the San Bernardino School of Good Fairying, was at that very moment passing by, on account of celebrating her graduation with a trip to Liechtenstein. And sad it was, too, that he did not know this, for, if he had, he might have made his wish aloud.
23 March 2012
Useless Fragment #34
As alien conquerors go, the Nordonians were not the worst imaginable: every human being, for example, was now granted free admission to Galactic University, largest of all educational institutions. True, most of its classrooms were chemically toxic to human life and the rest were vaguely irritating, but that was generally held to be the fault of the human evolutionary process, and of far less concern than the fact that the Nordonians had come to Earth only to find out why the anime series Automatic Toaster Yellow was in fact titled Automatic Toaster Yellow and might react badly if they ever found out there was no such reason.
22 March 2012
Useless Fragment #33
Agent Smith of the Secret Service -- that was his code name, he was actually Agent Jones of the CIA -- pressed the earphone deeper into his aural canal and frowned.
"Yesterday's statement is inoperative. Yesterday's operative has a statement, which is that his stateroom lacks a telephone and the phony television is on the fritz, in that when you turn to channel 13 and pull the brightness knob off, instead of displaying the view from a small camera embedded in the ceiling of the briefing room it simply displays a test pattern; moreover, the test is high school geometry which is fairly disturbing in itself.
"Correction to previous message: for 'Vorpal and Morpork are coming through the tunnel' please read 'Mooble and Comstock are requesting a funnel'."
Agent Smith sat back in his chair and pulled out the earphone; it continued to gabble distantly ("Gautama Buddha is in the house, hoo-ah hoo-ah"). Sometimes he just wasn't sure whether the bad guys were taking their jobs seriously any more.
"Yesterday's statement is inoperative. Yesterday's operative has a statement, which is that his stateroom lacks a telephone and the phony television is on the fritz, in that when you turn to channel 13 and pull the brightness knob off, instead of displaying the view from a small camera embedded in the ceiling of the briefing room it simply displays a test pattern; moreover, the test is high school geometry which is fairly disturbing in itself.
"Correction to previous message: for 'Vorpal and Morpork are coming through the tunnel' please read 'Mooble and Comstock are requesting a funnel'."
Agent Smith sat back in his chair and pulled out the earphone; it continued to gabble distantly ("Gautama Buddha is in the house, hoo-ah hoo-ah"). Sometimes he just wasn't sure whether the bad guys were taking their jobs seriously any more.
21 March 2012
Useless Fragment #32
There was a strong chemical smell in the the roach-strewn bar on the corner of 5th and Angst, strong enough to drive away all but the most enthusiastic of drinkers. One of them was speaking now.
"Aye, that was a strange detonation, Mr. van Hoorp, but I have one to top even that: the Great Hamburger Detonation of 1905. It was an experimental model, and it would be decades before anyone tried making another."
"A great setback for cookout technology, Mr. Metwig," said someone near the floor.
"And one that serves as a dire warning to all those who mistake black powder for black pepper," continued Mr. Metwig. "As I can personally attest. I was sewing my finger back on when the secondary concussions and eruptions began--"
"Aye, that was a strange detonation, Mr. van Hoorp, but I have one to top even that: the Great Hamburger Detonation of 1905. It was an experimental model, and it would be decades before anyone tried making another."
"A great setback for cookout technology, Mr. Metwig," said someone near the floor.
"And one that serves as a dire warning to all those who mistake black powder for black pepper," continued Mr. Metwig. "As I can personally attest. I was sewing my finger back on when the secondary concussions and eruptions began--"
20 March 2012
Useless Fragment #31
Tshun Moon was a general in the state of Shi. Dissatisfied with the leadership qualities of the Emperor he wrote a book of military philosophy called THE ART OF VICTORY, which, though seemingly straightforward, was littered with allusions that intimated criticism of the Emperor and even rebellion. Unsurprisingly he one day found himself summoned to the Imperial palace.
He obeyed the summons and in due time found himself, accompanied by six trusted lieutenants, ushered into the Great Hall. Emperor Pan Shi was seated upon the throne, alone but for his one personal guard (a slender young man with a painted face), his two most favored concubines Buttercup and Peach Blossom (the nature of the favors involved was much speculated upon), and the aged but loyal General Shin.
The Emperor said to Tshun Moon: "I have carefully perused your 13 chapters. May I submit your theory of managing soldiers to a slight test?"
Tshun Moon replied: "You may."
"May the test be applied to women?"
"Indeed," said Tshun Moon, and watched, his face carefully impassive, as Peach Blossom and Buttercup departed the room by imperial order to return with the remaining forty of the Emperor's concubines.
Tshun Moon divided them into two companies, and placed Peach Blossom at the head of one, Buttercup at the head of the other. He then bade them all take their fans in their hands, in place of spears, and addressed them thus: "I presume you know the difference between front and back, right hand and left hand?"
The girls replied: Yes.
Tshun Moon went on: "When I say 'Eyes front' you must look straight ahead. When I say 'Left turn' you must face towards your left hand. When I say 'Right turn,' you must face towards your right hand. When I say 'About turn,' you must face right round towards your back."
Again the girls assented, and Tshun Moon began the drill. First he gave the order 'Right turn', but the girls only burst out laughing. Tshun Moon said: "Rule seventeen: If words of command are not clear and distinct, if orders are not thoroughly understood, then the general is to blame." And he started drilling them again, this time giving the order 'Left turn'...whereupon the girls once more burst into fits of laughter. And Tshun Moon said, "Rule eighteen: If words of command are clear and distinct, if orders are thoroughly understood, and the soldiers nevertheless disobey, then it is the fault of their officers."
So saying, he ordered two of his trusted lieutenants to behead the leaders of the two companies.
When Emperor Pan Shi saw that Peach Blossom and Buttercup were about to be executed, he was expressed great alarm and said: "It is not Our wish that you should deprive Us of our favored servants. We request that you leave them unmolested."
Tshun Moon replied: "Having once received His Majesty's commission to be the general of his forces, there are certain commands of His Majesty which, acting in that capacity, I am unable to accept. Chapter seven."
The Emperor spoke again. "We request and require that you leave Our forces unmolested."
Tshun Moon, in a room empty but for the emperor, forty-two concubines, a youth, an old man, himself and six trusted lieutenants, made no reply but to turn his face from the Emperor, take out his own blade, and repeat his order.
The two lieutenants raised their swords...
...and, a few rather confused moments later, Tshun Moon found himself on the ground, his six lieutenants in the process of being stomped to death by forty concubines in stiletto heels, and Peach Blossom and Buttercup holding razor-edged fans at his throat.
The Emperor commanded, and certain screens were moved aside in the Great Hall to reveal an audience comprised of the other six generals of the Empire. General Shin dragged Tshun Moon to his feet to face them.
"As I said, I have studied your book," said the Emperor, "and find that it is but two rules short of perfection. Peach Blossom and Buttercup, can you tell me what they are?"
Peach Blossom curtsied and said, "Firstly, one must remember that the forces one is given to command are fighting for the Emperor and not for oneself."
Buttercup curtsied identically and said, "Secondly, never underestimate the Emperor."
"Excellent," said Emperor Pan Shi.
Tshun Moon's book, amended, was accepted as a great work by the generals of the Empire, and his head was placed in a case near the throne as a sign of respect.
He obeyed the summons and in due time found himself, accompanied by six trusted lieutenants, ushered into the Great Hall. Emperor Pan Shi was seated upon the throne, alone but for his one personal guard (a slender young man with a painted face), his two most favored concubines Buttercup and Peach Blossom (the nature of the favors involved was much speculated upon), and the aged but loyal General Shin.
The Emperor said to Tshun Moon: "I have carefully perused your 13 chapters. May I submit your theory of managing soldiers to a slight test?"
Tshun Moon replied: "You may."
"May the test be applied to women?"
"Indeed," said Tshun Moon, and watched, his face carefully impassive, as Peach Blossom and Buttercup departed the room by imperial order to return with the remaining forty of the Emperor's concubines.
Tshun Moon divided them into two companies, and placed Peach Blossom at the head of one, Buttercup at the head of the other. He then bade them all take their fans in their hands, in place of spears, and addressed them thus: "I presume you know the difference between front and back, right hand and left hand?"
The girls replied: Yes.
Tshun Moon went on: "When I say 'Eyes front' you must look straight ahead. When I say 'Left turn' you must face towards your left hand. When I say 'Right turn,' you must face towards your right hand. When I say 'About turn,' you must face right round towards your back."
Again the girls assented, and Tshun Moon began the drill. First he gave the order 'Right turn', but the girls only burst out laughing. Tshun Moon said: "Rule seventeen: If words of command are not clear and distinct, if orders are not thoroughly understood, then the general is to blame." And he started drilling them again, this time giving the order 'Left turn'...whereupon the girls once more burst into fits of laughter. And Tshun Moon said, "Rule eighteen: If words of command are clear and distinct, if orders are thoroughly understood, and the soldiers nevertheless disobey, then it is the fault of their officers."
So saying, he ordered two of his trusted lieutenants to behead the leaders of the two companies.
When Emperor Pan Shi saw that Peach Blossom and Buttercup were about to be executed, he was expressed great alarm and said: "It is not Our wish that you should deprive Us of our favored servants. We request that you leave them unmolested."
Tshun Moon replied: "Having once received His Majesty's commission to be the general of his forces, there are certain commands of His Majesty which, acting in that capacity, I am unable to accept. Chapter seven."
The Emperor spoke again. "We request and require that you leave Our forces unmolested."
Tshun Moon, in a room empty but for the emperor, forty-two concubines, a youth, an old man, himself and six trusted lieutenants, made no reply but to turn his face from the Emperor, take out his own blade, and repeat his order.
The two lieutenants raised their swords...
...and, a few rather confused moments later, Tshun Moon found himself on the ground, his six lieutenants in the process of being stomped to death by forty concubines in stiletto heels, and Peach Blossom and Buttercup holding razor-edged fans at his throat.
The Emperor commanded, and certain screens were moved aside in the Great Hall to reveal an audience comprised of the other six generals of the Empire. General Shin dragged Tshun Moon to his feet to face them.
"As I said, I have studied your book," said the Emperor, "and find that it is but two rules short of perfection. Peach Blossom and Buttercup, can you tell me what they are?"
Peach Blossom curtsied and said, "Firstly, one must remember that the forces one is given to command are fighting for the Emperor and not for oneself."
Buttercup curtsied identically and said, "Secondly, never underestimate the Emperor."
"Excellent," said Emperor Pan Shi.
Tshun Moon's book, amended, was accepted as a great work by the generals of the Empire, and his head was placed in a case near the throne as a sign of respect.
19 March 2012
Useless Fragment #30
Temporal Physics Department
Division of Applied Paradox
read the sign on the door of Room 517 of the Haight-Zemel Institute. At least it was currently Room 517, having started on the eighth floor and then fallen as far as the basement before its fortunes rose again.
Across the hall, Room 516's sign read merely
Break Room
and it was in Room 516 that Ted and Fred, the Fabulous Beaker Boys, were to be found.
"I personally couldn't care less if you did detonate the sun, Ted," remarked Fred, "but I really do think it somewhat excessive to do it on a weekend. Please consider doing it on Monday morning instead, as it would inconvenience people less."
Division of Applied Paradox
read the sign on the door of Room 517 of the Haight-Zemel Institute. At least it was currently Room 517, having started on the eighth floor and then fallen as far as the basement before its fortunes rose again.
Across the hall, Room 516's sign read merely
Break Room
and it was in Room 516 that Ted and Fred, the Fabulous Beaker Boys, were to be found.
"I personally couldn't care less if you did detonate the sun, Ted," remarked Fred, "but I really do think it somewhat excessive to do it on a weekend. Please consider doing it on Monday morning instead, as it would inconvenience people less."
18 March 2012
Useless Fragment #29
"Yes, gentlemen, this is truly is the highlight of my collection," I said, indicating the desk in the middle of the office. "Thomas Jefferson's own design, with triple reciprocating fully reversible inkwell. Rare in itself, but it was acquired at the first -- and to date only -- White House Yard Sale."
"Yard sale?" said Herr von Slumpf. "Really?"
"Indeed," I said. "The proceeds of which were intended to fund a moat, I believe. Nothing came of it, alas; the National Archives interfered in some way, though not before I managed to make away with this prize -- which, incidentally, I later found to contain an ice cream scoop in a concealed drawer. Research suggests it was used by President Nixon. Let us move on..."
"Yard sale?" said Herr von Slumpf. "Really?"
"Indeed," I said. "The proceeds of which were intended to fund a moat, I believe. Nothing came of it, alas; the National Archives interfered in some way, though not before I managed to make away with this prize -- which, incidentally, I later found to contain an ice cream scoop in a concealed drawer. Research suggests it was used by President Nixon. Let us move on..."
17 March 2012
Useless Fragment #28
Brains! New brains for old! cried the old street pedlar.
Hallo, said a passerby. Wouldn't that entail an inevitable refund when I change my mind?
I knew I shouldn't have invested in this franchise, said the pedlar.
Hallo, said a passerby. Wouldn't that entail an inevitable refund when I change my mind?
I knew I shouldn't have invested in this franchise, said the pedlar.
What The World Needs
...is a remake of THE HUDSUCKER PROXY, directed by Wes Anderson, starring Matt Smith as Norville Barnes, and Gwyneth Paltrow staking her Pulitzer on it.
16 March 2012
Useless Fragment #27
McWilliams Vertresatron, master profiler and consultant to Interpol, picked up three eyeballs that had been lying on the evidence table and examined them closely.
"You've wasted my valuable time, gentlemen," he said after a few moments of silent contemplation. "These are not the signatures of a serial killer who desires to taunt the police and gain fame -- these are the personal eyes of a serial streaker, which popped out unnoticed in his moment of distracted exertion. Look for a fast man wearing nothing but sneakers and you'll have your suspect. Find a bottle of stem cells in his apartment and you'll secure a conviction."
"You've wasted my valuable time, gentlemen," he said after a few moments of silent contemplation. "These are not the signatures of a serial killer who desires to taunt the police and gain fame -- these are the personal eyes of a serial streaker, which popped out unnoticed in his moment of distracted exertion. Look for a fast man wearing nothing but sneakers and you'll have your suspect. Find a bottle of stem cells in his apartment and you'll secure a conviction."
15 March 2012
Useless Fragment #26
Ginger Cakes stepped onto the runway of the Paris Fashion Show resplendent in her Monte Vari anorak, set one foot onto a misplaced cream-puff and went skidding off the side of the platform into a small clump of correspondents for Biff magazine. No one knew what they future might hold, but for now, they were content.
14 March 2012
Useless Fragment #25
The Blue Funk crashed through the window of the jewelry store and confronted the team of criminals engaged in robbing the place.
"Oh, what's the use?!" he cried, and collapsed in the corner.
"Oh, what's the use?!" he cried, and collapsed in the corner.
13 March 2012
Useless Fragment #24
I had been working at Office Emplacement for nearly three years before I noticed that my manager was an extraterrestrial. I attribute this lengthy delay to deficiencies in my powers of observation, for he was as green as an avocado and of similar complexion.
"Mr. Voobnar," I said to him (I believe that is the correct pronoun), "I can't help but notice that you have the coloration and skin texture of an avocado."
"Naturally, Sherman," he replied, "I am from a planet with a considerably different atmosphere and spectral distribution of solar radiation."
"How unusual," I said. "Would you be terribly upset if I reported your extraterrestrial nature to officials of my nation's government?"
"Feel free," said Mr. Voobnar. "Although it would be redundant, as they know all about it. We have had diplomatic relations for the last ten years and have been residing on your planet in increasing numbers for the last five. --For example, you will note that Marlene, the operator of register 13, is one of my species."
I was considerably disturbed to realize that this was true, not least because I had taken Marlene for my lawfully wedded wife some three years previously; not until now had I realized that she was not human, or for that matter employed at Office Emplacement.
"Mr. Voobnar," I said to him (I believe that is the correct pronoun), "I can't help but notice that you have the coloration and skin texture of an avocado."
"Naturally, Sherman," he replied, "I am from a planet with a considerably different atmosphere and spectral distribution of solar radiation."
"How unusual," I said. "Would you be terribly upset if I reported your extraterrestrial nature to officials of my nation's government?"
"Feel free," said Mr. Voobnar. "Although it would be redundant, as they know all about it. We have had diplomatic relations for the last ten years and have been residing on your planet in increasing numbers for the last five. --For example, you will note that Marlene, the operator of register 13, is one of my species."
I was considerably disturbed to realize that this was true, not least because I had taken Marlene for my lawfully wedded wife some three years previously; not until now had I realized that she was not human, or for that matter employed at Office Emplacement.
12 March 2012
Useless Fragment #23
Last time as you recall, our heroes, Biff, Bam, and Ted, successfully diverted asteroid DVN-096 from its collision course with Earth. Alas, how were they to know that they had set DVN-096 on a different collision course, a collision course with asteroid TUS-797 -- yes, asteroid TUS-797, home of the Collins Project, the only project devoted to preventing the sun from exploding for no apparent reason! We return to our story just as the two asteroids meet in a disastrous impact, leaving the solar system defenseless against solar detonation!
TED
Well, that’s life.
TED
Well, that’s life.
11 March 2012
What I Did Today #4
Search-all-notes function ported and revised; compiles with no errors, but doesn't do anything yet.
10 March 2012
Useless Fragment #21
On the television an elegant four-stack ocean liner was steaming through the night. A lookout spotted an ominous blot in the near distance.
"Iceberg right ahead!"
On the bridge the First Officer stiffened, and I had a feeling I had seen the movie before.
"Ready the wave motion gun!"
Apparently not...
"Iceberg right ahead!"
On the bridge the First Officer stiffened, and I had a feeling I had seen the movie before.
"Ready the wave motion gun!"
Apparently not...
09 March 2012
Useless Fragment #20
In the annals of the Explorers Society the strangest history on record is that of the discovery of the Warambi, an obscure tribe originally believed to live deep in the jungles of Africa until Col. Smythe-Pilkington-Smythe discovered that they commute from South America. Living substantially in a stone-age culture but reknowned for their almost uniformly high computer programming skills, they are a gloomy people whose word for "tomorrow" translates literally as "same again worse".
08 March 2012
Useless Fragment #19
"How much is that doggie on the window?" asked Mrs Frobosh, indicating the beagle puppy slowly sliding down the pane in a trail of saliva.
The clerk cast a glance at the dog as it leaped back up the window and attached itself loosely by its tongue. "Oh, fifty cents should do it," he said, guessing it to weigh half a pound.
The clerk cast a glance at the dog as it leaped back up the window and attached itself loosely by its tongue. "Oh, fifty cents should do it," he said, guessing it to weigh half a pound.
07 March 2012
What I'm Doing Today #3
Working on search-all-files/notes function. Brain does not want to co-operate. Bad brain! No biscuit!
06 March 2012
Useless Fragment #17
Today on the Mervin Flim Show we're talking to Edmond Pipgoop, author of GETTING THE MOST FOR YOUR MONET: A Guide To Buying, Selling and Collecting Art. Edmond, most of our listeners here at KROK couldn't afford a Monet if you paid for it. How should they start out?
Well, I recommend they buy my book.
I see. Could you give an example?
Well, were I to start off as a beginner, I would go to my local bookstore and ask for GETTING THE MOST FOR YOUR MONET by Edmond Pipgoop, or were I connected to the Internet I would go to Amazon and punch in the name Pipgoop into the Author Search function to pull up a complete list of all my books including MAKE A MILLION IN REAL ESTATE, DOT COM BONANZA, MLM OK, SPAMMERIFIC, and WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS.
Well, I'm sure everyone with an interest in art will benefit. Thanks for dropping by.
Well, I recommend they buy my book.
I see. Could you give an example?
Well, were I to start off as a beginner, I would go to my local bookstore and ask for GETTING THE MOST FOR YOUR MONET by Edmond Pipgoop, or were I connected to the Internet I would go to Amazon and punch in the name Pipgoop into the Author Search function to pull up a complete list of all my books including MAKE A MILLION IN REAL ESTATE, DOT COM BONANZA, MLM OK, SPAMMERIFIC, and WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS.
Well, I'm sure everyone with an interest in art will benefit. Thanks for dropping by.
05 March 2012
Useless Fragment #16
There was a new monster under Johnny's bed. It whispered to him in the darkness. It said that he should cut school tomorrow and call Mommy's stockbrocker and order five thousand shares of Borlian Enterprises because Borlian had excellent growth potential, no long term debt and had been underperforming pricewise for some time. When Johnny asked the monster why it didn't just try to eat his toes like the previous monster did, it said it was only temping until the economy improved.
04 March 2012
Useless Fragment #15
"King Ice! Queen Snow! Hear my plea and let me go!" cried Vilmot, waving his hands in the air in a series of mystic designs.
Nothing happened, which was little surprise to the passengers of the Route 413 bus. "No, it's no good," said one of them as Vilmot gunned the engine again, making the wheels spin in the frozen roadside mud. "You're trapped in an obsolete belief system. There's no chance of us getting out of this ditch unless you abandon your mythology and adopt a valid religion."
"Now wait just one moment," objected another passenger. "You can't declare a religion invalid simply because its deities fail to respond to invocation. They may have a reason for disregarding Vilmot's plea. Perhaps they object to the bus being full of unbelievers like us."
There was a brief period of discussion among the other passengers; to the first speaker's disgust they agreed that the suggestion had merit and should be tested experimentally, whereupon they disembarked from the vehicle.
"Ahem," said Vilmot. "King Ice! Queen Snow! Hear my plea and let me go!" he cried, and floored the accelerator.
The Flxible Flyer tore loose from the roadside trap and roared off toward Mooble City, leaving the passengers behind.
"There, you see?" said a small passenger. "It was we who had a faulty belief system. Where's the know-it-all critic?"
They looked around, and then at the bus disappearing in the distance. Apparently he had stayed aboard.
The former passengers milled around a while and eventually shuffled off to the nearest bus stop.
Nothing happened, which was little surprise to the passengers of the Route 413 bus. "No, it's no good," said one of them as Vilmot gunned the engine again, making the wheels spin in the frozen roadside mud. "You're trapped in an obsolete belief system. There's no chance of us getting out of this ditch unless you abandon your mythology and adopt a valid religion."
"Now wait just one moment," objected another passenger. "You can't declare a religion invalid simply because its deities fail to respond to invocation. They may have a reason for disregarding Vilmot's plea. Perhaps they object to the bus being full of unbelievers like us."
There was a brief period of discussion among the other passengers; to the first speaker's disgust they agreed that the suggestion had merit and should be tested experimentally, whereupon they disembarked from the vehicle.
"Ahem," said Vilmot. "King Ice! Queen Snow! Hear my plea and let me go!" he cried, and floored the accelerator.
The Flxible Flyer tore loose from the roadside trap and roared off toward Mooble City, leaving the passengers behind.
"There, you see?" said a small passenger. "It was we who had a faulty belief system. Where's the know-it-all critic?"
They looked around, and then at the bus disappearing in the distance. Apparently he had stayed aboard.
The former passengers milled around a while and eventually shuffled off to the nearest bus stop.
What I Did Today #2
Yesterday I set out to add a Notebox Mismanager 3 function to move selected notes to a particular category, which at this point means moving files from wherever they happen to be into a specified folder, plus maintaining the file modification date+time, because QFile::copy doesn't.
About seven hours later I went to bed.
About seven hours after getting up again it sort of works. That's ten lines of code per hour. My brain is inelastic.
As yet it doesn't cope with duplicate filenames. I'm not sure whether it should try. Testing exposed a drawback to the file-scanning code that builds the grid, in that folders containing no .txt, .htm or .html files are ignored. Which makes a kind of sense, but also means that empty disk-based categories are only fleetingly possible. If you move all the significant files out of them, they won't show up on the next run...
About seven hours later I went to bed.
About seven hours after getting up again it sort of works. That's ten lines of code per hour. My brain is inelastic.
As yet it doesn't cope with duplicate filenames. I'm not sure whether it should try. Testing exposed a drawback to the file-scanning code that builds the grid, in that folders containing no .txt, .htm or .html files are ignored. Which makes a kind of sense, but also means that empty disk-based categories are only fleetingly possible. If you move all the significant files out of them, they won't show up on the next run...
03 March 2012
Useless Fragment #14
Does your mind seen from afar resemble a tangle of socks -- a colorful melange of soft fuzzy thinking, riddled with holes? Then this is your lucky day, for I, Scrumnik Barnes, am here to save you with my new book, SCRUMNIK BARNES'S GUIDE TO MELLIFLUOUS COGITATION. Follow the exercises laid out herein exactly and precisely, and you will surely achieve something, receive some benefit, simply by applying feng shui to your own neurons.
02 March 2012
What I Did Today
Today I set out to add to the grid a context menu containing a function to delete the items selected.
01 March 2012
And now for something almost completely different.
Enough of this banter and persiflage; this blog is starting to read like the Pack Rat of Sumatra storyline from Daniel Pinkwater's NORB. Someone wants to know about Notebox Mismanager 3.
NM3 has a long history of false starts and dead ends¹, and has in fact started over again with a project whose source code you will find in the Files section of the Squirrel Technologist site under the name Scratch.zip. As of this moment there isn't much of a reason to download that file unless you're into compiling Qt projects. It's pre-beta, maybe pre-alpha; some of the false starts and dead ends got as far as being compiled on Windows, but this one hasn't.
What does it do, besides compile without errors on Linux? Upon startup it scans through the system's Documents folder and subfolders therein looking for .txt, .htm and .html files, which it loads and then displays in the traditional grid format, presenting each subfolder as a category. There is a popup category navigator. Files can be edited; changes to files are held until the Save Changes function is invoked. And you can select a different folder to scan.
My current intent is to import and upgrade functionality...I'm going to say daily for the sake of the amusement value...with commentary placed here when it happens.
You may now burst into tears.
¹ It was I that killed C++. The whole world is switching to HTML5/Javascript device apps and you can thank me and me alone. TREMBLE BEFORE MY POWER!
NM3 has a long history of false starts and dead ends¹, and has in fact started over again with a project whose source code you will find in the Files section of the Squirrel Technologist site under the name Scratch.zip. As of this moment there isn't much of a reason to download that file unless you're into compiling Qt projects. It's pre-beta, maybe pre-alpha; some of the false starts and dead ends got as far as being compiled on Windows, but this one hasn't.
What does it do, besides compile without errors on Linux? Upon startup it scans through the system's Documents folder and subfolders therein looking for .txt, .htm and .html files, which it loads and then displays in the traditional grid format, presenting each subfolder as a category. There is a popup category navigator. Files can be edited; changes to files are held until the Save Changes function is invoked. And you can select a different folder to scan.
My current intent is to import and upgrade functionality...I'm going to say daily for the sake of the amusement value...with commentary placed here when it happens.
You may now burst into tears.
¹ It was I that killed C++. The whole world is switching to HTML5/Javascript device apps and you can thank me and me alone. TREMBLE BEFORE MY POWER!
Useless Fragment #13
The Case of the Whistling Weasel is surely the oddest in my case files, and were I not afraid of legal repercussions I would surely tell it. But I am, so instead I shall remark upon several interesting things I have noticed about honeybees.
Useless Fragment #12
Experts in the field of biomedicine are unanimous in their conviction that no human can survive being crushed by a 160-ton weight, but as I watched the satellite descending upon me I resolved to be the exception.
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